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Harvard University Archives: Memorial Day originally African American Holiday [Read Time: 2 min]

Although Memorial Day was established as a national holiday in May 1868 by General John A. Logan, archives discovered at Harvard University revealed that Memorial Day or “Decoration Day” had been organized and celebrated by a group of freed black slaves 3 years earlier (as early as 1865) (History.com).

Reportedly, U.S. Colored Troops and thousands of freed slaves including women and children organized together and sang hymns, brought flowers and wreaths and would lay them on the graves of the unknown colored soldiers who died during the Civil War (Blackhistory.com).

Yes, I have observed my family go to the cemetery and lay flowers on the grave of our dearly departed. More specifically I saw Memorial Day as a day in which we celebrated white men who lost their lives fighting for America. Honestly, speaking, I have had great difficulty identifying with this holiday.

Being an African American woman, Memorial Day has had little significance. I saw it as just another day in which our family got together to share food, drink, laughter, and have a great time with family. As I got older, I saw it simply as a day off from work with pay.  But in contrast, today I feel a real connection as I celebrate this Memorial Day!

Now for many of us that did not know, Memorial Day and future Memorial Days will have meaning to us as African Americans because our ancestors played a significant role in getting it started!

What about you? How do you see Memorial Day? Do you see it as just a day off from work? Do you see it as a time you can spend with your family? But, what about its true significance? What significance does it have to you? Well, I want to say that I am glad I discovered African Americans played a significant role in this day for us all.

African American Single Parenting: My Daddy is my mom.

We have entered a new era in African American culture today.  Today we find that most of the young African American children are being raised by strong independent women who do not have the support of the father to help raise his children. This has brought about an interesting dynamic in the home. As these children get older there becomes a need for the father to be involved with the child because the father was part of making the child.

Black Single Mothers Are More Than Scapegoats | HuffPostThat may sound simple but it’s actually a little more complicated than it sounds.  Any time that you bring to people together that have their own series of traits and those two people bring in life into the world, that life will have the respective traits of each of those parents both good and bad.

Let’s say that your child’s father has a series of good traits that you liked about him when you met him and as you got to know him better you started to realize that he had some traits that you were not as fond of. As your child begins to get older you will begin to see traits from father both good and bad.

So when you notice that your child is beginning to do things that make you say “your acting just like your father,” keep in mind that he is in fact actiAfrican-American single-parent family | MGH Clay Center for Young ...ng like his father. Unfortunately, his father is not available to help him to deal with some of these negative traits and to help assist in developing the positive traits to make the child into a person that is whole and healthy.

There are some tips that you can use and we will be going over in our ongoing series on our blog feature on being a single mother in an African-American home. How does a woman raise a man alone? It can be done but if you are a single mother trying to raise a boy into a man please make note that you will need some insight, and we plan to give that to you.  Stay tuned!

Are you having questions about raising your little man? Let us know in the comments below.  If it is more of a personal nature then feel free to email me and I will send this information to our blogs “Life Coach”  who will be assisting us in our future discussions.

Ex Player Tells All: How to Know if A Man is Cheating (Read Time 2:min)

De’von has been a player for many years and has many male counterparts that he states use much of the same tactics as he.  So without holding you any further we will go forward with the interview.

Introductions:

Me: Well hello Mr. De’von

De’von: Well Hello Ms….

Me:I dont want to have the ladies waiting so I suppose I will just hop right to it.

Me: So where did you get that name.. “De’von”, did you just make it up or does it have some sort of meaning because I do know its not your true name.

De’von: Its like this.. I meet a lot of females when I fly around the country for my job and some of them you dont want to be able to look you up.. you know.. with all the technology thats out there today.  I got to keep things on the low.

Me: Oh you mean like background checks?

De’von: I mean background checks.. credit checks.. license plate checks.. criminal history.. sh*t like that.

Me:Oh so are you a criminal?

De’von: Naah.. its not about being a criminal or anything like that.. its just I have to make sure that its not easy to be looking all into my business while i do what i do.

Me: What is it that you do?

De’von: I do me?

Me: And what is that?

De’von: Well if you referring to women.. I just do what comes natural…

Me: And natural is?

De’von: I just try to have as many of them as I can.

“Being a player takes being groomed at all times.  You always have to be looking your best because you never know when you may see a new target. Look Good and Smell nice.”

Me: As many as you can? That sounds absolutely ridiculous if you dont mind my saying.. Im sure all of the ladies reading this would say the same.  How is that possible? I mean like whats the point?

De’von:Oh.. its possible.. women see me and they decide they want me and they just let me do what I want.

Me: Like what?

De’von:They see me in the airport, on a plane, at a club, in a restaurant and if they approach me or I approach them.. its like they already decided in their mind of what I am like… who I am as a person and what my character is like.

Me: So are you saying they just give you a pass because you are handsome?

De’von:Pretty much. She watches TV and sees this vision of what she thinks a man is and when she sees me she sees that same vision.  So its almost like its an unconscious thing.  She cant help it because she has been conditioned, kinda to want me.. or maybe I should say to want someone like me.

Me: Are you saying they wont do this to guys that arent as attractive as you?

De’von:Yep, I have homeboys that im with all the time and they cant get away with nearly as much as I do with females.  I can tell her im married, tell her I just want to have sex.. or whatever..

Me: Ok… you must be talking about 17 or 18 year olds… because I cant see you being that bold and someone just going for it.

De’von:Well it happens.. all the time. I just know what to say and how to say it.

Me: Ok Mr. De’von lets jump to it.  Why are you a player.. why do you need so many women.. is it just being greedy or is it to get numbers to show your boys.

De’von:No not that at all.  Its more like feeding a need.

Me: A need, what you mean?

De’von:Well no female perfect right..

Me: Ok no one is perfect for that matter Mr. De’von

“Most of them know when I am cheating.  She just doesn’t want to lose whatever she was gaining by being in the relationship.  The more she wants whatever I have the longer she will ignore it or do what she can to keep the relationship.”

De’von:Right, I understand that.. but thats not my point… my point is that I love women.  I may date a number of females but there is something that I like that is different about each of them that I am involved with.

Me: Ok im listening…

De’von:Well its like.. I might like Brittany because she has a good job, is career oriented but this girl Shay I date is none of that.  She is more hood.. rough around the edges.. and sometimes I like that.  Brittany is very conservative in the bedroom, she dont like to get nasty with me… Shay get down for hers.

Me: What you mean nasty with you… oh and lets keep this PG-13 please..

De’von:Ok.. I mean I like it nasty sometimes.  Doesnt everybody…

Me: And you are saying because Brittany doesnt give you that.. then you go to Shay?

De’von:Just being real, but yeah.  Or one female might be really good looking.. but she might not be very conversational.. so it depends

“I stay in shape to make sure I am always irresistable.  As long as I keep it in the gym I can easily attract those that love a man with a great body.”

Me: Oh.. I get it.. so you look at women like they are a Buffet.

De’von:Yeah.. I guess you can say that.. because there I can have what I want..

Me: How do you manage all of this… Im sure it gets pretty expensive with all of these female “Buffet Items”.

De’von:Yeah it gets pricey but I do pretty well in my profession.

Me: So Im sure the ladies want me to ask this.. So what is the most essential thing you do to not be discovered by your real woman or all these women or whatever…

De’von:Well, when I have a primary woman im with.. I keep two cell phones

Me: …and two cell phone bills?

De’von:No not really.. one thats not traceable where I can just put minutes on it.  My real phone I keep unlocked so that she dont think im cheating… cause you know how yall like to snoop in a n*ggas phone.  So I let her snoop.. and she wont find a thing.. because its not in that phone.

Me: Oh.. so I guess you make your calls from the other phone too then

De’von:Yep you got it… that way if im with her and someone calls, I can still answer it so she will still trust me.  My other phone (my burnout) is still at home.

Me: Whats a burnout?

De’von:The other cellphone (the dirty one).. its just a back in the day term for a phone that you buy minutes on and can toss if you need to.

Me: Ok Mr. Devon.. I think the ladies have gotten a good introduction of who you are.. I would like for you to become a continued contributor on the blog going forward so that the ladies can ask questions or make comments and you respond to them.

De’von: Yeah that sounds cool.

Ladies I want your feedback on this.  I am trying to get my head around this and im sure you are too!  It seems that there are so many tactics that men are using and we are totally unaware!!  This blog series is not to make you angry at your man or get you paranoid, but I think its important that we stay informed on the stupid things that men do.

Since De’von is open to speak with me about this, I wanted to share this information with all of you.  What do you think? What would you like to know? What would you like to ask De’von?  Have you been cheated on?  Is “Your” man cheating? Lets talk, so that we all can become better informed and less prone to victimization of men who emotionally abuse us in this way.

 

Top 5 Mistakes Black Women Make in Relationships

Love makes us dumb. So dumb. Emotional intelligence can elude even the smartest women. After one bite from the love bug, women throw caution to the wind and partake in unsafe behaviors, risky relationships and downright stupid choices. Many women (girl, me too) look back and wonder what they were thinking! Like…really?

Check out the Top 5 list of Mistakes Black Women Make in Relationships!

  1. Going with the man who shows the most aggressive chasing.

Just because he’s doing the most, doesn’t mean he deserves your number! Many times, aggressive chasing can be symptomatic of a deeper issue. In many cases, some men just can’t handle rejection. This can stem from the fatherlessness we see in our communities, and sometimes even the lack of motherly affection that a man needs to make him emotionally healthy.

Now this rejection from you makes him chase you until the rejection ends. Once the rejection is over, so is the love, tenderness, and caring that you saw in the relationship. Many women also report that his aggressive pursuit strategy was similar to other aggressive behaviors he later displayed- ranging from abuse to controlling tendencies.

Just because he just has to have you, are you sure you want him?

  1. Not asking questions, doing their homework, & falling for the Okie Doke. 

Players love women like this because these women tend to be overly trusting due to a number of reasons.  These men look for women they can take advantage of. Just because he has a perfect smile and seemingly Michael B. Jordan’s confidence, you decide to take his every word at face value?

Women, you can do your homework before getting caught up! By doing so, you can find out if he already has someone and just wants you as a side piece (umm…no thanks).  Furthermore, if he is on the wrong side of the law, or if he really is the person he says he is this will give you time to learn him more.

Many women wished they hadn’t turned a blind eye to obvious red flags like: never being invited to his home, seeing that he only called at certain times of the day (or evening), or ignoring the tan line around his ring finger. Oh, and 2 cell phones, Red Flags!!! Run girl.

  1. Taking Care of Him or Giving Him Money $$$.

Not all men are predators or opportunists. HOWEVER, whether they are or not, many women confess regrets that they took care of their man financially or even went as far as to take out a loan for him. Say what now? Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I was raised to think that men take care of women- not the other way around! Just think, if you have to loan him money, how can he EVER afford to buy a ring? Take care of a family? Provide the security you look for in a relationship?

At the end of the day, taking care of a man will produce REGRET and potentially bad credit. If he’s down on his luck, don’t make him the victim. Keep your money instead- encourage and motivate him to lose his boyish insecurities. This will lead him to do what’s necessary to become a real man. Let him go out in the world and figure out how to make things happen for himself like the BOSS he is!

  1. Hanging on when he’s not that into you.

Not all men break up with a woman outright. Sometimes they become hard to reach, as if they are avoiding the woman. Usually, he is. Take the hint and move on. “Don’t waste your pretty.”- Thank you Tracy.

5. Trading sex for the feeling of love.

Many women become bed partners when they are really wanting the feelings of love, intimacy, emotional connection, and companionship. Some women state that they compromise in this area when they would prefer to date and just be friends. Women under this circumstance are wanting the emotional feelings that come with love. Many of these feelings tend to represent themselves during sexual intimacy. Many players use this inconspicuously on unknowing women. This makes the woman feel she is having the closeness that she wants and the love she is seeking when she’s merely having sex…

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Top 5 Mistakes Women Make in Relationships

Why are Black Men Choosing White Women

O.J. Simpson wasn’t the first black man to cross the color line by marrying a white woman. He was not the first one who ended up in a heap of trouble when the tick of the clock brought about a fatal end to that alliance. The fatal, brutal end of 14-year old Emmitt Till’s life in 1955 because he was accused of flirting with a white woman was still fresh on people’s minds in 1985 when O.J. Simpson married Nicole Brown. Brown was a Caucasian waitress that he met when he was still married to his first wife, Marguerite, who was African-American.

 

Nicole Brown was not the first woman to be seen as a home-wrecker, and O.J. wasn’t the first to be accused of being a turncoat. A turncoat is defined as one who shifts allegiance from one loyalty or ideal   by switching to the opposite side. A person who becomes a turncoat is seen as a betrayer.

Sometimes that is the crux of people’s resentment when they see this type of interracial make-up. They can’t stand the idea that a man has betrayed the very circumstances of his birth, in that he was born into a race, and typically have a mother of that race; yet choose to deal with women who don’t look like that mother or typify that race.

Some consider it a rejection, like a slap in the face when black men pass over a whole range of black women for a white woman.

With all of the talk swirling around about the issue of black men who choose or prefer white women and white women who prefer black men, there has cropped up a number of metaphors.

Some say such a man prefers a little cream in his coffee, meaning he doesn’t want his coffee all black.

There is also the term trophy wife, which signals the idea that a man has chosen to have what he feels will be a superior woman on his arm for the world to see. It’s also supposed to be a victory over white men.

White women are said to be chasing the chocolate, due to this same dynamic.

There are other metaphors to describe this dynamic. It’s hard to discuss the issue without indicating that there have been some lingering resentments between the races. For instance, there exists some concerns that the ratio of black men to black women is already skewed enough for different reasons; so this private decision brings some collateral damage, that might not even be intended, into the public square.  Are we too independent, too angry, too.. well.. ok.. you know..

Some shop talk centers around the notion that many black men are incarcerated, homosexual or on the downlow; and that it hurts to see so many of the free, straight black men migrating to white women; thereby diminishing the pool of available black men even more.interracial-love

Resentment notwithstanding, the truth is that whether people like it or not, whether people accept it or not – it’s a fact that many black men have chosen and are still choosing white women over black women.  Why?

I would like to know your thoughts…

 

http://www.biography.com/people/emmett-till-507515#awesm=~oGnnbCk8dzlEbW

http://bossip.com/450452/swirly-girl-hall-of-fame-a-list-of-beckys-that-love-them-some-chocolate-man-meat39204/Magazine,

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicole_Brown_Simpson

Top 3 Reasons Why Black Men Cheat

Have your ever had an experience where your man has cheated on you when you personally thought you had done everything right?  There’s no greater pain than to have your heart STOMPED ON and crushed by the man you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with!  I sat down with my player friend and got the “TEA” on why black men cheat.  I was really shocked by the things that he mentioned.  Keep reading so that you can learn where the problem really lies (HINT: Its not you!).

Top 3 Reasons Why Black Men Cheat:

 

1.  Rejection.
So many men, due to feelings of rejection during childhood, can’t cope with not having what they want- when they want it! Can you say spoiled little man syndrome? He sees what he wants, he chases and chases- not because he wants it,  but because he can’t stand the thought of being told that he can’t have it. This is the guy you finally went out on a date with who was thirsty from the get-go, who quickly lost interest after the first few sleep-overs. Women are merely an ego boost for the cheaters who can’t handle rejection.

2.  Greed.
Men who cheat see women as flashy new cars. Their heads turn every time an Audi, BMW, or Bentley speeds by, no matter how many times they’ve seen it. They want every model – in every color. Cheaters crave opportunities to test drive a new vehicle, just for the thrill of testing out the latest features and the new car smell. Men who cheat lack self-control and don’t know how to appreciate the dependable Lexus already in their driveways, no matter how well you back that thang up.

 

3.  Insecurity.
Insecurity is actually why men who cheat can’t handle rejection in the first place. Insecurity is also the reason for a man’s greed. If he hasn’t matured into manhood, he is still a little boy inside. His sexy, well-groomed exterior is merely a facade that he learned to project so that he doesn’t have to reveal who he really is deep within. Men are experts at covering up their insecurities through humor, aggression, or never really “checking-in” to a relationship.

You may think that he’s cheating on you because you’re not sexy enough, petite enough, thick enough, or any of the other lame reasons he may portray, but none of these things are the reason that makes him do what he does. For a man to cheat, it says more about how he feels about himself – less of what he feels for you.

Have you been cheated on and seen hints of theses characteristics?  Did you notice them before or after he cheated or did you hide them from yourself, not wanting to be honest and accept what your radar was telling you?

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Top 3 Reasons Why Black Men Cheat

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